What If My Relationship Anxiety Is Sabotaging Things? How to Know and What to Do

Relationships can be one of life’s most rewarding experiences—offering joy, intimacy, and emotional connection. But for many people, they can also stir up intense anxiety, fear of rejection, or chronic self-doubt. If you frequently find yourself second-guessing your partner’s feelings, overanalyzing their texts, or feeling insecure even in stable relationships, you may be experiencing relationship anxiety.

At Upper East Side Psychology, we work closely with individuals to understand and heal the deeper emotional patterns that drive anxiety in relationships. This post explores what relationship anxiety looks like, why it happens, and most importantly—what you can do to change the pattern.

What Is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety refers to ongoing worry, self-doubt, or insecurity that interferes with your ability to feel safe and connected in a romantic relationship. While some uncertainty is normal—especially in the early stages—persistent anxiety that leaves you feeling unbalanced or leads to self-sabotaging behavior is worth addressing.

You might find yourself asking:

• What if they don’t really love me?

• Am I too much? Or not enough?

• Why didn’t they respond right away—are they upset?

• What if I ruin this and they leave?

  
  

These thoughts often trigger emotional responses like withdrawal, clinging, or over-checking—behaviors that can unknowingly create distance in your relationship, even when you're craving closeness.

Signs You May Be Sabotaging a Relationship Due to Anxiety

Although relationship anxiety begins internally, it can quickly shape your outward behavior. Here are some common signs that anxiety might be getting in the way of connection:

Overthinking and Rumination

Replaying conversations, dissecting word choices, or scanning messages for signs of rejection.

Seeking Constant Reassurance

Needing frequent validation from your partner, even when the relationship seems secure.

Avoiding Vulnerability

Holding back emotions or needs out of fear that you’ll be judged, hurt, or seen as “too much.”

Pulling Away to Protect Yourself

Ending things early, picking fights, or shutting down emotionally in an effort to protect against future pain.

Assuming the Worst

Imagining betrayal, abandonment, or relationship failure—even when there’s little evidence to support those fears.

It’s important to recognize: these behaviors don’t mean you're broken or “too needy.” More often, they reflect earlier wounds—unresolved emotional pain or insecure attachment patterns that are showing up in current relationships.

Why Relationship Anxiety Happens

The roots of relationship anxiety often lie in early life experiences. If you grew up with inconsistent caregivers, experienced emotional neglect, or had a history of being hurt in past relationships, your nervous system may remain on high alert—searching for signs of danger, even in safe connections.

Common contributing factors include:

• Low self-worth or feeling unworthy of love

• Witnessing unhealthy relationship dynamics as a child

• Previous betrayal or abandonment

• Perfectionism or an underlying anxiety disorder

  
  

Even in a relationship with a supportive partner, these patterns can cause your brain to interpret neutral situations as threats—and lead to behaviors that undermine the very connection you long for.

How to Stop Relationship Anxiety from Getting in the Way

If you’re noticing these patterns, that’s a powerful first step. Healing is possible, and there are concrete tools you can begin using to create healthier relationships.

1. Name the Pattern with Compassion

Rather than blaming yourself, acknowledge what’s happening: “This is relationship anxiety. It’s making me feel unsafe, even though I’m okay.” Naming it can interrupt the spiral and create space for growth.

2. Reality-Check Your Thoughts

Ask yourself: What’s the evidence for this fear? What’s the evidence against it? This kind of mindful questioning can help you stay grounded in the facts rather than spiraling into imagined outcomes.

3. Understand Your Attachment Style

Your reactions in relationships are often rooted in your attachment style. Whether you lean anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, learning about your style can help you develop new tools to relate more securely.

4. Shift Toward Values, Not Validation

Focus on the kind of partner you want to be—honest, kind, authentic—rather than trying to win someone’s love or approval. Living from your values helps you build relationships based on mutual respect, not fear.

5. Communicate Calmly and Clearly

You’re allowed to need reassurance—but how you express that need matters. Instead of over-explaining, try something like, “I’ve been feeling a bit anxious today. Can we check in?” This invites connection without overwhelming your partner.

6. Get Support from a Therapist

Relationship anxiety is not a character flaw—it’s often a protective response to earlier pain. Working with a therapist can help you heal those past wounds, build self-trust, and feel more confident in love.

You Deserve a Relationship That Feels Safe

You don’t have to keep cycling through anxiety, overthinking, or fear of abandonment. With the right support, it’s possible to shift your patterns, feel more secure, and show up more fully in your relationships.

At Upper East Side Psychology, we specialize in helping individuals understand their relationship patterns, heal emotional wounds, and move toward deeper, more secure connections. Whether you’re struggling with new relationship anxiety or longstanding patterns, you don’t have to face it alone.

Ready to break free from relationship anxiety?

Our licensed therapists offer both in-person sessions in NYC and virtual therapy across New York, Virginia, and all PsyPact states.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today—we're here to help you feel more connected, calm, and confident in your relationships.

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